No- not really.
But those same words adorn a pair of my daughters footed pajamas. They are size three to six months and I can recall putting them on her for the first time and they would bag because she was so small. Now she fills them out completely and we are days away from her outgrowing them completely. They are amongst my favorites not because they look particularly fancy or because they are super easy to get on and off (which they actually are) but more because of what they represent
you see they were amongst the first items of clothes I purchased for her when she was still growing inside of me
For me, that was a huge and scary gigantic leap of faith
For thirty nine weeks as I grew her inside of me, I was unable to separate the terrors of my last pregnancies from the reality of my present pregnancy with her.
I thought at any time she would die inside of me.
Anytime any milestone passed, I was unable to appreciate it for long. I was still waiting for the proverbial dark cloud to rain on me, hard, again making a fool of me and my silent pressing hope that somehow this time would be different.
Mainly I hid and worried. Boy did I worry. I didn’t have a day of peace. I was pregnant in body only- my mind was always mentally preparing myself for another loss. As if preparation would ever make the devastation easier.
Then one day I was out of work early and I ventured over to chipotle for a chicken burrito lunch. There in immediate proximity was the flashing blue sign of BABY GAP. The first time I had gone there was to purchase a gift for my newborn niece and I loved many of the adorable dresses they sold. So I went in and browsed. I became increasingly anxious and could feel the sweat gathering all over my body and my pulse quicken. Anxiety, my ever present nemesis. I felt as if I couldn’t breathe and immediately walked outside to breathe in the cold, March air.
Epic fail. But I would not be deterred. Determination and collasol stubbornness is what made me try again to have a baby after three previous losses.
So I tried again next week and the week after. Slowly but surely and certainly at a snails pace, I purchased those pajamas, and the white dress that was way too big, but that I made her wear leaving the hospital. And the blue sundress. I took pictures of these new clothes. I texted them to my mother and my aunt. I let them be excited for me at a time when I couldn’t allow myself to feel the excitement without also feeling the fear. In those days, I would let those new pretty clothes and the reactions of others- carry me towards bliss if even for an hour or two.
baby steps you would call it
Now when I see her, my lovely girl, in those pajamas the emotion is so real. I can’t believe she is here wearing those pajamas that I picked out for her when I was still so afraid. I can’t believe I am so lucky that this rosy cheeked bright eyed princess is mine.