So on Sunday, I had the shock of my life. Truth be told, I have been moody most of this last month. Not normal moody. I mean super human, “I will snap your head off and eat it for dessert,” moody. My husband remarked that my poor TUDE was reminiscent of pregnancy number one but I immediately dismissed him. There was no way after over a year of BFN’s that suddenly, without the help of super drug FOLLITISM, that I was naturally pregnant at the ripe old age of 38 (soon to be 39, next month).
Right?
Wrong, again.
So As I saw that faint, but decidedly there, second line I did what every normal blissfully IM PREGNANT woman does. I burst into tears.
“NOT AGAIN,” I said to my husband.
Sigh. Welcome to pregnancy, take four.
I am trying, to think this this could be the one. After all, isn’t the fourth time the proverbial charm. I am trying not to stress. That said, in the last week I have:
Checked my underwear 1000000000000 times for blood.
Checked it after my stressful morning commute, and whenever someone at work pissed me off.
Goggled my symptoms.
Goggled my HCG levels
Cried when I thought, for a half of a second, this could work!
Cried when I thought, for more hours that I count, that it likely would not
Obsessed over whether or not, my factor Five warrants me taking an injectable blood thinner when the doctors seem divided on the issue.
Wondered if it was ok to continue jogging?
Continuing walking?
Continue- LIVING.
Sigh. This is not easy. I am trying to take it day by day but the days are long and I am fighting against my over-active, over-negative mind.
How does one maintain positivity in the face of so much disappointment? Hell, if I know.
As I sit here typing this, I have checked the clock, about a zillion times, wondering what is taking my RE so damn long to give me my HCG numbers. My HCG from Tuesday at 11am was 511. I went in this morning at 7:30 to see if they increased, doubled, etc.
The waiting is torture.
UPDATE: After a near hysterical turn, on Friday, I received the news that my BETA HCG did double (1117) yet my Progesterone went from a 17 to 14. I am already on Crinone and so my doctor prescribed a double dosage. I am very anxious about the status of this pregnancy seeing as I already have had three losses and I am obviously having a progesterone issue.
I do not feel hugely pregnant. I have sporadic boob soreness, on and off fatigue but nothing game changing. Those factors make me doubt that there will be a positive outcome in my future. I am trying not to obsess but all I did the entire weekend was worry. I don’t know why. There is nothing I can do to change this or to ensure I will have success. Still, I worried and obsessed and felt depressed thinking that I will likely face another negative outcome. I don’t know when I have become such a pessimist.
Tomorrow I get the results of my third BETA. This is huge. This is where, in pregnancy number three, things shit the proverbial bed. I went from HCG 160 to 15.
I am hoping that this time will be different.
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